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Graeme Newell
602 Communications
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In This Issue
Promo of the Day
TV Losing Audience to Newer Platforms
Majority Gives Thumbs-Up to Press Coverage of Oil Spill
Larry King Special Raises $$, Loses Ratings
CNN Mixes Spitzer, Parker for Counterpoint Style Program
Fox Dumps 'Glee' Spinoff, Bans Sex in Trailers
Alliance Promotes Family TV on Broadcast Nets
Middle America in TLC's Sights
NBC.com Hires Writers for Webisodes
TBS, Universal Unveil 'Despicable' Deal
LGBT Ad Spending Hits Record
ABC, NBC Reinstate Current Departments
Most Companies Lack Social Media Plan
YouTube Wins Summary Judgment Against Viacom
Big, Targeted Ads 'Creepy', Study Reveals
72% Trust Media Site Content: Study
Tech Firms More Trusted Than Facebook: Poll
3 Million iPads Sold In 80 Days
5 Insane Marriage Rituals From Around the World
Quotes
"The tendency of old age to the body, say the physiologists, is to form bone. It is as rare as it is pleasant to meet with an old man whose opinions are not ossified."
- J. F. Boyse
"I used to dread getting older because I thought I would not be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older I find that I don't want to do them."
- Lady Nancy Astor
"The youth gets together his materials to build a bridge to the moon, or, perchance, a palace or temple on the earth, and, at length, the middle-aged man concludes to build a woodshed with them."
- Henry David Thoreau
Promo of the Day
WRTV-TV
Indianapolis
"Up All Night"
Sometimes a promo almost writes itself. WRTV Chief Meteorologist Kevin Gregory feels a responsibility to stay up all night in the tracking center when severe weather threatens. That includes weekends. So Kevin was up at 2am when severe storms hit the far edge of our viewing area. We received a huge response from people who found Kevin was the only live source of information at that hour. We had a photographer with Kevin overnight and later shot viewer testimonials. In a market where technology is seen as equal, Kevin's commitment provides a distinct, promotable advantage.
Steve Brenneman
Creative Services Specialist
WRTV-TV Indianapolis
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Here is a Morning News Image campaign promo that aired throughout May sweeps for KOLR10, Springfield, Missouri. The "Rob vs. Tom" contest had great viewer participation--more than expected. It also drove viewers to our website, www.ozarksfirst.com. The spot was enhanced using "Digital Juice" animations.
Donald Haener
KOLR/KSFX Promotions Manager
Springfield, MO
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FOX 17 lays out some interesting information with simple, concise visuals in these 2 spots from their "It's Good To Know" campaign.
And for dessert, Some mouth-watering treats from KBCW San Francisco.
602communications.com/VideoExamples
Share your creative work with your promo peers on the 602communications.com site. Just email it to
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Flash (.flv) or QuickTime (.mov) files, size 320 x 240, are preferred, but WindowsMedia (.wmv) files will also be accepted. Large files may be sent via http://www.yousendit.com. You can also mail your clip a DVD to Graeme Newell at 1011 Lyndhurst Falls Lane, Knightdale, NC 27545.
TV Losing Audience to Newer Platforms
On a recent flight to New York I had a chance to catch up on my reading, and a statistic in one magazine's cover story hit me like a load of bricks: The median age of prime-time television viewers is nearing 51 years old.
I had to read it three times. 51 the median? This means that more than half of all prime-time viewers are outside of the golden demographic of 18-49. The medium that has long been synonymous with massive reach is quickly becoming the most efficient way to reach lots of old people!
Surprisingly, this shift has not been gradual -- it's been most pronounced over the past five years. In fact, the median age of prime-time viewers has increased by a year every year since 2005. This means that the rate at which young people are turning away from TV is greater than the rate at which old people are dying. Think about that one for just a second.
So what does this mean for traditional content owners?
First, it means they are losing. They are losing their audience, which will ultimately translate into losing their revenue and relevance. If they do not commit to developing a meaningful audience off television, they will begin to lose their market capitalization.
Second, it means that Google and Apple are winning. Companies that own video consumption platforms that don't involve TV -- YouTube, iPhone, iPad, etc. -- are going to continue to take share from the networks that primarily reach older people. Young people are not watching less video, they are just watching less television. This nuance is more than important, it is the future of media.
Third, it means technology is king. Content ownership may be competitive advantage, but it is a bad business model. That sound of static white noise on a broadcast channel has been replaced by the silent, but absolute and inevitable, destruction of the traditional media business and profit model. Cisco predicts that by 2013 90% of all Web traffic will be generated by video, and it is unlikely that broadcasters will ever make more money from their content than they did in the peak year of 2008.
So, in light of all this, what's an advertiser to do? The audience has moved online, so it's time for the budgets to follow. Advertisers can no longer use lack of standards, measurement or cost of media execution as pretext for avoiding online advertising. The world has changed and, unless they want to advertise body spray to seniors, it is time for advertisers to do the same.
MediaPost
Majority Gives Thumbs-Up to Press Coverage of Oil Spill
Americans aren’t known for their long attention spans, but so far they haven’t grown tired of the media’s sweeping coverage of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. According to a weekly survey by the Pew Research Center, people remain keenly interested in the environmental disaster that is unfolding. The center’s survey found that 63 percent of Americans “followed news about the oil leak more closely than any other story last week.” Last week, the spill and the reactions to it received more media attention than ever. President Obama delivered a prime-time address about the oil spill last week, drawing about 32 million viewers at home, according to the Nielsen Company. The oil spill gradually gained attention in late April and early May, and since then it has been the country’s dominant news story, according to the Project for Excellence in Journalism, an arm of the Pew Research Center. In its latest assessment, it says the oil spill continues to dominate newscasts and newspaper pages. Last week it “accounted for 44% of the newshole, the highest percentage since the story broke on April 20 with a deadly explosion on an offshore oil rig,” according to its weekly report, which was released Tuesday. Notably, a majority of the respondents in the Pew poll, 56 percent, said the press “has done an excellent or good job in covering the leak.” In early May, 66 percent of respondents had the same opinion. The survey was conducted June 17 through 20.
Media Decoder
Larry King Special Raises $$, Loses Ratings
As reported Tuesday, the good news about the Gulf disaster fundraiser that CNN aired as a special "Larry King Live" on Monday night was that it raised $1.81 million for three major charities. But on Wednesday comes the bad news about the ratings, reports Mediaite.com. The total number of viewers for the telethon was only 600,000, putting it in fourth place among the cable news shows. By comparison, six months ago Larry King had a similar telethon to raise funds for Haiti, which did 40% better than Monday's showing in the ratings.
TVWeek
CNN Mixes Spitzer, Parker for Counterpoint Style Program
CNN has identified a replacement duo for Campbell Brown, naming former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and syndicated conservative columnist Kathleen Parker co-hosts of a nightly 8 p.m. roundtable program to debut this fall. The as-yet untitled show promises to be a point-counterpoint affair, as longtime Democrat Spitzer will share a desk with Parker, a columnist aligned with the Washington Post Writers Group. Although not as well known as her new on-air confrere, Parker has built a strong following as a self-described “rational conservative.” Before winning the 2010 Pulitzer Prize for commentary, Parker invited the ire of GOP loyalists two years ago when she called for vice presidential candidate and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to drop out of the race. A self-styled crusader who went after Wall Street as New York State Attorney General (1998-2006), Spitzer’s brief reign as governor of the Empire State ended after revelations that he had been a client of a high-priced prostitution ring. In the wake of the scandal, Spitzer has been using cable news programs as a platform from which to rebuild his reputation. Widely rumored to have been in the running for his own nightly program, Spitzer has been a guest on CNN and MSNBC in recent months. CNN president Jon Klein said the pairing would give viewers a more kaleidoscopic viewpoint than can be found elsewhere on the dial. “Other cable news channels force-feed viewers one narrow, predictable point of view; in contrast, CNN will be offering a lively roundup of all the best ideas––presented by two of the most intelligent and outspoken figures in the country,” said Klein, by way of announcing the move. “Eliot and Kathleen are beholden to no vested interest––in fact, quite the opposite: they are renowned for taking on the most powerful targets and most important causes.” Parker will continue writing her column, which is distributed in some 400 national newspapers twice each week.
MediaWeek
Fox Dumps 'Glee' Spinoff, Bans Sex in Trailers
Last January, Fox proposed a reality television show based on the success of "Glee," but that idea has now been officially scrapped, reports TV Guide. Co-creator Ryan Murphy has said that the producers are concentrating solely on season two and, therefore, the reality show is dead and buried. There is reportedly a sense of relief among the "Glee" company about the decision because cast and creative staffs have been stretched with appearances on awards shows, the concert tour and promotions in general. With the need for relief of stress from a tough work schedule and the inevitable effect of youthful hormones, Murphy also had to ban cast members from having sex in their trailers, TV Guide reported. Additionally, it was announced that Fox may use the videos it received from potential contestants for possible guest appearances on "Glee" in the future.
TVWeek
Alliance Promotes Family TV on Broadcast Nets
The Alliance for Family Entertainment said it has started a new sponsorship fund, seeded with an initial $10 million in media commitments to support programming on the broadcast networks. The alliance is a group of nearly 40 national marketers, supported by the Association of National Advertisers, representing approximately 30 percent of all U.S. television ad dollars. It's mission is to develop and support family friendly content across multiple distribution platforms. While the new fund will be initially dedicated to broadcast network fare, the group said plans are in the works to target programs on cable and other media platforms in the future. Marc Goldstein, the former North American CEO at WPP's GroupM, is chief content officer of the alliance and is overseeing implementation of the fund. "It is critically important for marketers to have family entertainment options and there simply are not enough at this time," said Goldstein, who in addition to his work with the alliance runs a consultancy called Media Solutions. Goldstein said the fund would focus first on broadcast network fare because "that is a first stop for many consumers as a primary source for entertainment." But, he added, "we hope to expand to numerous platforms in the future." The media sponsorship initiative is the second fund launched by the alliance. Last year, the group started a script development partnership with Humanitas, the Hollywood organization that annually honors excellence in film and television writing.
MediaWeek
Middle America in TLC's Sights
TLC is targeting middle America, and while the brand positioning may not be new it's making its strongest push for the demographic with its new Sarah Palin reality show, the Los Angeles Times' Scott Collins wrote over the weekend: "Heartland values are indeed what TLC pushes, carving out a profitable niche in a reality TV marketplace otherwise filled with sex-drenched youth soaps ( MTV's "Jersey Shore") or aspirational voyeurism (HGTV's entire programming block). And now the network is making maybe its strongest play yet for the non-elite, middle-class audience, with a new show starring the queen of Red State America, Sarah Palin." Collins writes that TLC is aiming to be an "antidote to Bravo," the NBC Universal-owned cable network that has successfully appealed to a sophisticated, urban "affluencer" audience. "We tend to be less snarky, edgy," TLC president Eileen O'Neill told Collins. "There's something for everyone here. We do shoot all around the country. Our topics and people tend to represent a lot of daily American lives -- a little less of the edgy, cooler [material]." Discovery Communications Chairman John Hendricks defended the decision to give Palin a show in an interview with DailyFinance earlier this year. "We've had success in the past where we've had people who've had an obvious connection to a region or a state," he said. "Like, we did a travelogue with the former Prime Minister of New Zealand. We did the king of Jordan. So what we're doing is just -- she obviously loves her state. So this is not political. This is Sarah Palin kind of presenting the state to viewers. She has a great following in the country. So we just try to present people who can tell a good story."
Huffington Post
NBC.com Hires Writers for Webisodes
While NBC continues its battle for viewers, the net is making a heavy online push as well. The Peacock's digital division, under topper Vivi Zigler, has assigned writers to pen web-only episodes to complement existing shows that are intended to help build buzz for comedies "Community," "Parks and Recreation" and "The Office," as well as other skeins. Scribes are part of the show's staff and members of the net's online team, and are embedded in the writers' room. "We start early," says Zigler, whose team is already prepping the digital accompaniments to a handful of upcoming fall skeins, such as serial drama "The Event" and sitcom "Outsourced." "We want to develop an online experience that's organic to the show." From a business standpoint, the webisodes and other online components are a way to generate ad coin from sponsors and companies trying to reach the 18-34 demo which might not be able to afford or want to take part in an on-air spot. "Parks and Recreation" exec producer Mike Schur says that he or one of his producers meets regularly with the online writers to make sure the storylines are in sync with the broadcast goings-on. Among the digital goodies available for NBC.com users are deleted scenes, games and a Pawnee, Ind., Parks Dept. newsletter. "It's definitely worth spending the time on," says Schur. "In this day and age, fans are getting savvier and demand more for their entertainment time, so you have to be giving them more. You can't just air your show anymore." NBC isn't the only network paying more attention to the online world. ABC's "Grey's Anatomy" has an original web-only storyline about the Seattle Grace interns, and the recently departed skeins "24" and "Lost" were forward-thinking in offering fans completely new material.
Variety
TBS, Universal Unveil 'Despicable' Deal
Computer generated characters from the new movie Despicable Me will be popping up all over TBS for the next few weeks as part of an ad deal between the Turner Broadcasting channel and Universal Pictures. The promotion begins June 24 with a sponsored episode of TBS's Movie Extra. A second Movie Extra will air July 1. Movie & a Makeover on June 26 will feature cast interviews and behind-the-scenes footage from Despicable Me. Next week, characters from the film will be featured in the "tbs breakroom," part of a branding campaign that employs a fictional network headquarters. Several characters from the movie will also appear in promotion spots airing during TBS's 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. lineup of comedies. Despicable Me, which stars The Office's Steve Carell, will also be sponsoring episodes of The Office and Neighbors from Hell in primetime, and on July 1, Lopez Tonight will include a sneak peek at the film. "Universal is thrilled that TBS trusted us to integrate its properties and logo with our inaugural 3D CGI feature," said Annah Zafrani, Vice President of Media Promotions, Universal Pictures. "We know this type of movie studio integration has never been done in the history of the network, and it's terrific that Despicable Me is a key partner in one of the most innovative theatrical promotions that TBS has ever engaged in." "Despicable Me" opens July 9.
Broadcasting & Cable
LGBT Ad Spending Hits Record
While the rest of the media industry took a major hit, publications serving lesbians, gays, bisexual and transgendered people enjoyed a record year in 2009 in terms of ad spending, according to the 2009 Gay Press Report just released by Rivendell Media. Total spending in LGBT publications jumped 13.6% from $308 million in 2008 to $350 million in 2009 -- a remarkable performance, especially considering the adverse conditions in the economy at large. For comparison's sake, overall consumer magazine ad spending fell 17.5% in 2009 compared to 2008, while total ad pages plunged 25.6%, according to data from the Publishers Information Bureau. On that note, the LGBT ad revenue increase accompanied a decrease in the number of ads, which fell by 6.8%, reflecting a trend toward larger, more expensive ad placements. It may also reflect an increase in prices for LGBT advertising, as niche media leverage their special connection with LGBT consumers to demand more premium rates. Indeed, Rivendell found that the proportion of "gay-specific" ads in these publications (meaning ads that portray LGBT consumers or target them overtly) have increased from about 10% of all ads in 2002 to 62% in 2009. In national gay publications, the proportion has risen to about 90%, suggesting that advertisers are seeing significant ROI from ads that actively engage with LGBT identity. Separately, the number of gay publications tracked by Rivendell increased from 130 in 2008 to 136 in 2009. However, gay publications suffered during the economic downturn. A number of big titles closed, including Genre, while The Advocate and Out have changed hands several times, with a steadily decreasing price tag, followed by a move by new owner Here Media to bundle the two publications. That diminished The Advocate as a stand-alone title. These woes are reflected in a drop in overall circulation for LGBT media, which fell 27.6% from roughly 3.3 million in 2008 to 2,387,750 in 2009.
MediaPost
ABC, NBC Reinstate Current Departments
ABC will be reinstating its current department, which are the network executives tasked with specifically overseeing shows currently on-air, our good friend and journalist par excellence, John Consoli, writes at TheWrap. Writes Consoli, "ABC over the past two years has been the network putting the most new shows on the air and the thinking now is that there needs to be more specific attention given to those shows. It has not been announced who will become the new senior VP of current programming. Kim Rozenfeld held that post until last June but was then reassigned within the Disney organization." ABC's current department is expected to be reinstated in time for the fall season, the article says.
TVWeek
Most Companies Lack Social Media Plan
While 78% percent of corporate respondents say their company is using social media, only 41% say they have a strategic plan in place to guide such activity, according to a new study from marketing firm Digital Brand Expressions. Of those companies that have some semblance of a social media strategy, 94% say that marketing activities are included in the plan; 71% said public relations were factored into the equation; and 55% say that they use social media for sales-related activities. "It's fairly well established that social media is a channel that businesses must participate in, leaving CEOs with the new challenge of planning and implementing brand aligned initiatives enterprise-wide," said Veronica Fielding, president and CEO of Digital Brand Expressions. Even for the firms that do have a strategic plan in place, only 29% reported distributing policies and/or communications protocols to employees via social channels. "This leaves the majority of organizations exposed to problems arising from employees saying the wrong things in the wrong ways to the wrong people at the wrong time," according to the report. Meanwhile, most companies appear to be shooting from the hip, with no cohesive game plan or measurement systems in place. Even among those with a plan, few have written policies and communications protocols in place, leaving the organization exposed to problems arising out of employees communicating in ways that inadvertently hurt -- rather than help -- their company brands. Among those companies that are presently executing social media plans, 69% have set up metrics/tracking methods to measure ROI of such activities, while 71% plan for ongoing monitoring of brand reputation across the social media landscape. Another 71% claim to be preparing and distributing protocols and policies for ongoing communications, including how to respond to positive/negative comments on social media Web sites. Also of note, the majority -- 74% -- of respondents said their marketing departments should be responsible for the creation and maintenance of all strategic social media plans. About half -- 51% -- said their corporate communications team should be in charge of such efforts, while 28% said their executive team should lead all social efforts. Of the 100 companies that DBE surveyed in May, the majority -- 49% -- were made up of less than 50 employees; 32% had 50-999 employees; and 19% were made up of more than 1,000 employees.
MediaPost
YouTube Wins Summary Judgment Against Viacom
In a setback to content companies struggling to protect copyrighted material in the digital age, Viacom lost its copyright infringement case against Google today. The media conglomerate -- whose properties include MTV, BET and Paramount Pictures -- had accused the search giant of widespread copyright violations on its YouTube property, estimating damages at $1 billion. Google had argued that its YouTube division was allowed protection under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act's "safe harbor" provision, which says a service provider isn't liable for violating copyright so long as it responds to specific complaints. That reading puts the burden of rooting out copyright violations on copyright holders themselves. The three-year-old case came to a close Wednesday as U.S. District Court Judge Louis Stanton issued a summary judgment favoring Google's position. "Defendants designated an agent, and when they received specific notice that a particular item infringed copyright, they swiftly removed it," the ruling says. "It is uncontroverted that all the clips in suit are off the YouTube website, most having been removed in response to DMCA takedown notices." Viacom plans to appeal the judgment.
AdAge
Big, Targeted Ads 'Creepy', Study Reveals
Ads targeted at a particular context -- car ads on automotive sites, for example -- are a staple of online advertising. It's presumed that the more closely an ad matches a person's interest, the more likely that person is to click and buy. And it couldn't hurt if the ad is big. But a recent academic study indicates that may not always be the case. Indeed, a prominent targeted ad may have the opposite effect on consumers who perceive them as more creepy than helpful, or worse, an attempt to peel away their privacy. "We were interested in the basic question of whether ads work better if they're targeted and more in your face, more visible," said Avi Goldfarb, a professor at the University of Toronto who wrote the paper with Catherine Tucker of MIT's Sloan School of Business. "We were expecting some kind of linear effect, that you would get a particular jump in effectiveness -- but the opposite is the case." Either matching ads to a site's content or running obtrusive ads increases purchase intent, the study found, but doing both doesn't help much and sometimes hurts. When a more prominent ad unit such as an interstitial is also targeted, for example, the person seeing the campaign is only 0.3% more likely to intend to buy than if he or she sees a regular banner with no contextual relevance. "You're basically not doing any better by doing both those things," Mr. Goldfarb said. "In fact, you're better off just doing one or the other, either highly visible placement or a contextual ad, but not both at the same time." What's the most effective? The study found that simple banner advertising that mirrored the site worked best, where people were 0.9% more likely to buy than they would seeing a banner that had no contextual connection. For a much more noticeable placement without any targeting, users were about 0.5% more likely to buy than when they had seen a banner. Mr. Goldfarb and Ms. Tucker suggest in their report that "advertisers could cut spending by over 5% without affecting ad performance," if they replaced specialized campaigns using both targeting and visibility with standard ads. The report suggest that big units may make consumers think a little longer about the ads -- normally a good thing -- but might in the process give consumers a better chance to get spooked by the targeting. "Obtrusive ads may lead consumers to infer that the advertiser is trying to manipulate them," the study states.
AdAge
72% Trust Media Site Content: Study
A survey conducted by Harris Interactive for the Online Publishers Association found that 72 percent of consumers trust the content they see on media sites, such as ESPN.com, Wall Street Journal Online, or NYTimes.com, compared to 60 percent who find content on portals like Yahoo Sports or AOL News trustworthy and 23 percent who trust what they find on social media sites. The media sites also tend to generate more confidence in their advertisers; 24 percent of respondents said they find advertisers on media sites to be "high-quality and reputable," compared to 20 percent for portals and 8 percent for social media sites. Those who recalled purchasing from the advertisers on a website were significantly more likely to have done so from a media site -- 8 percent -- compared to 5 percent for portals and 3 percent for social media. The loyal users of social media sites are more likely to purchase from their advertisers (15 percent), than portal fans (8 percent), or those loyal to social media sites (4 percent). "The goal of our research was to help brand marketers better understand why consumers receive and respond to online brand advertising differently depending on the content environment in which the message appears," OPA President Pam Horan said. "Our findings show that site destination matters as trust and relevant content are perceived differently across content environments. This study concludes that consumers perceive and take action differently depending on where the advertiser's message appears."
RadioInk
Tech Firms More Trusted Than Facebook: Poll
Americans trust technology heavyweights such as Apple, Google and Microsoft more than social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter, according to a new poll. Nearly half of 2,100 adults questioned in a Zogby Interactive survey said they trusted the big three technology firms "completely" or "a lot," compared to eight percent for Twitter and 13 percent for Facebook. But all of the companies rated higher than traditional media. John Zogby, the president and CEO of Zogby International, said big companies have had the time to build brand equity, while Facebook and Twitter do not have the corporate identity. "They don't have the brand equity," he added in a telephone interview. Young adults aged 18 to 29 had slightly higher trust levels in Facebook with 20 percent and Twitter with 15 percent compared to the levels of adults of all ages which were seven percent lower for both companies. When asked how important online privacy was to consumers, Zogby said it was huge. "I think to a great degree, its all about privacy," he explained. Google has been criticized by some privacy regulators for its Street View cars which collected some private information from unencrypted WiFi networks while roving the streets taking photographs for its online mapping software. Facebook recently changed its privacy policies to give users more control over how much information from users profiles is public following protests from some users and privacy watchdogs. The traditional media received little sympathy from the public with only eight percent of all adults and six percent of young adults saying they trusted the media.
Rueters
3 Million iPads Sold In 80 Days
Apple said it sold 3 million iPads in the 80 days since the device went on the sale in the U.S., adding to evidence CEO Steve Jobs is building demand for tablet-style computers. Software developers have created more than 11,000 applications for the iPad since its April 3 debut. The iPad lets users read digital books, surf the Web, watch videos and play games, notes Bloomberg. The popularity had various analysts boosting their 2010 Apple projections. Apple's announcement comes in the same week that leading eReader manufacturers Amazon and Barnes & Noble moved to put some pricing distance between their products (the Kindle and Nook) and the versatile iPad -- which serves as a portable computer, multimedia hub, and a full-color eReader. The iPad currently retails at a starting price of $499, a price point that left it uncomfortably close to the $259 tag attached to the 3G-equipped Kindle and Nook devices ahead of their recent adjustments, reports The Tech Herald. As things stand, the 3G Kindle now retails for $189, while the 3G Nook retails for $199. Barnes & Noble has also unveiled a new WiFi-only Nook, which will sell for just $149.
MediaPost
5 Insane Marriage Rituals From Around the World
A marriage can be a wonderful and joyous occasion full of happiness, laughter and unicorn farts for two very lucky people. In other cases, it can be an exercise in full-blown insanity, as evidenced by these bizarre marriage traditions from every corner of the globe.
5. Bride Kidnappings
Practiced in: The Roma communities (all over the world)
Most unions can trace their beginnings to that one special night at a frat kegger when the couple first met their gaze in a crowded room and forever cemented their fate by a quicky in the backseat and a broken condom. Some cultures however decided to skip all this romantic crap and go from the “total strangers” phase straight to marriage in one messed-up leap of criminal activity: kidnapping the bride.
The Romani, also known as Gypsies, for centuries have had this tradition, that if you manage to forcefully kidnap a girl and keep her by your side for 2-3 days, she officially becomes your wife. Long ago this probably made a lot sense, as it helped you avoid buying the bride off the parents or having Thanksgiving dinner with them every year. But even in this day and age it’s not viewed as anything strange in the Roma culture, and many women simply go with the fact that the overweight guy, who cornered them with a bottle of chloroform at a McDonald’s lady’s bathroom, is now the love of their life.
Some of you are probably wondering, how in the f**k is this legal? Well, it’s a cultural practice of a large ethnic minority and most governments would rather start flossing with razor wire than to commit the PR equivalent of suicide by banning a minority tradition.
4. Marrying animals to exorcise ghosts
Practiced in: some regions of India
The Western culture is no stranger to superstition, especially during a wedding. Most brides would sooner set fire to the church and postpone the ceremony than to get married without something old, new, borrowed and blue. And don’t even think about trying to catch a glimpse of your wife-to-be before the nuptials or that’s 3 stitches to the temple right there on the spot.
But the Santhal tribe in India decided to one-up us all and cranked the wedding-crazy dial all the way up to 11. They believe that if a baby girl has a tooth rooted to her upper gum, it’s the obvious sign she will be eaten by a tiger or something in the near future, because ghosts hate her. Therefore, she must marry a dog. Such was the story of Karnamoni Handsa, a 9-year-old Indian girl who “married” the local stray Bacchan amidst the dancing and cheers of her 100 guests getting shitfaced on home-made booze. Huh… Somehow the presence of moonshine in a cross-species wedding is not surprising in the least…
The good news is, this is nothing but a mock ceremony and the couple don’t have to consummate the wedding. It’s just to ward off the evil spirits so the girl can marry a real boy some time later. Thank God, otherwise this exorcism ritual between a child and a canine would have been really weird.
3. Blackening of the bride
Practiced in: Scotland
In many ways the Scottish people are just like your typical Europeans but with a few notable quirks: they eat sheep entrails, wear male-skirts and instead of rice, they throw stinking crud like eggs and sauces on their brides.
This custom is called the “blackening of the bride”, a very old Scottish tradition; some say even older than Sean Connery himself. It’s part of a hazing ritual that actually happens before the wedding. The bride is taken by surprise, by hands down the crummiest friends you could have, and covered from head to toe with all kinds of crap. It can be anything: spoiled milk from the back of your fridge right down to tar and feathers. It serves 2 possible purposes. Either it gets the men in the proper mood, (assuming all Scots have a fetish of homeless chicks who never bathe), or it helps the women deal with the prospect of marriage, because nothing that will happen to them from that point on will be as cruel or humiliating as the blackening.
It’s sort of like punching your bride right before saying “I do”. No amount of douchebaggery you pull off later in life will ever amount to that, so your lady will at least not be disappointed or, at best, pleasantly surprised. Man, the Scots have this marriage thing figured out.
2. Fat Farms
Practiced in: Mauritania (Africa)
There are different standards of beauty in every part of the world. For example, despite the majority of Western brides stopping short of having their kidneys removed to lose weight before the big day, some cultures actually find huskier women more attractive... and are prepared to go to disturbing lengths to put more junk in their women’s trunks. Enter the Mauritanian Fat Farms.
Fat Farms are sort of the opposite of Fat Camps – a place where brides as young as five are sent to gain weight under the watchful eyes of wrinkled old crones, in order to become more attractive and get married as soon as possible. In the practice known as Leblouh, the girls are force fed a truckload of food—which might include more than 4 pounds of millet and 5 gallons of camel milk a day—and if they vomit, the supervising hags force them to eat it up. Failure to comply is reportedly often met with torture. So OK, maybe those places are not that different from Fat Camps.
The sad part is, this practice has virtually disappeared until a couple of years ago when a military junta took over the country and reinstated it, probably hoping that fatter women will be easier to catch or something. Not like anyone would sleep with them otherwise, being a bunch of civilian-terrorizing assholes with grenade launchers.
1. No shitting
Practiced in: parts of Malaysia
There is nothing more beautiful than a wedding. It is after all the couple’s first day as two happily married people, surrounded by friends, flowers and fancy foods. But for the tribes of the Tidong community in northern Borneo, a wedding is the first day of a grueling journey to the deepest levels of Hell and back. It’s the day when the couple must stop pooping for 72 hours.
The Tidong tradition dictates that a newly married couple be confined to their house and not empty their bowels or urinate under any possible circumstances for the entirety of 3 nights and 3 days. That’s why they are often carefully watched over by family members and given very little food or water. The Tidong people believe that if the couple makes it, they will lead a happy and long life with lots of non-dead children, so the stakes are pretty high here.
When you think about it, there is a spark of genius in this practice. Nothing binds 2 people for life like going through difficult times together, and there is nothing more difficult than being denied to go to the bathroom for nearly half a week. When the 3 days are up, these people will be closer to each other than ever before, because they will no longer be just husband and wife... They will be poop buddies.
No shitting.
WeirdWorm
More unusual wedding customs at: http://traditionscustoms.com/wedding-traditions/strange-wedding-traditions
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Graeme Newell
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